Good Enough: Reflections on Motherhood Away from Home

Motherhood brings joy, love, and new beginnings, but it can also bring uncertainty, exhaustion, and loneliness, especially when raising a child far from your own family, language, and support network.

In this blog, Kelly Mebar reflects on her own experience of becoming a mother in Finland while raising a family between cultures. Drawing on both personal experience and the insights she gained while facilitating Familia's mother and baby peer support group, she shares a gentle reminder that parents do not need to be perfect. Sometimes, being "good enough" is exactly what a child needs.

 ‘Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.’

​(Leonard Cohen, ‘Anthem’, from the 1992 album The Future)

As I have had the privilege of facilitating a mom and baby group for Familia, I have been taken back to those days when my children were babies.  Having lived almost half my life abroad and giving birth to my children away from my home country, I see similar patterns of tiredness, doubt, trying to find my community and navigating the journey of motherhood away from my home country, family, friends and culture.  It wasn’t easy especially when you have little support and resources available. Finland does offer support as best it can, yet I don’t think it can be fully understood how much harder it is as a foreigner to navigate being a mother in another country. 

​So here are a few of my thoughts that I was counselled on, during those times. I wish to pass the baton on to other mothers, who may be feeling the same way I felt. First, welcome to motherhood!! The journey you have started can sometimes feel like a roller coaster and sometimes like a walk in the park. Both are par for the course but necessary and add value in the end to your relationship with your baby. 

The first thing I was counselled on was how to be a good enough mom. This was really difficult for me as I wanted to be the perfect mom. I wanted to follow the baby book I had chosen, 100 percent all of the time, not taking my babies temperament and my personality and where I was living into account. The books I read were all very well intentioned and based on research, yet they weren’t written for my family.  

My nuclear family is a mixed family. My husband is Argentinian and I am South African. Living in Finland, we were far away from our home countries. As a result, we had no family nor friend support. We had to create our own support, our own village and in Finland this is especially harder than usual.  I had to attend many mom and baby groups to get an inkling of the support I so desperately missed from my family and friends back home.  Familia Ry was one of the ways I received such support when I attended a mom and baby group back then.  

According to Winnicott, a paediatric doctor from the 1950’s, most mothers want the best for their babies.
 
It was he, who termed the concept of the ‘good enough mother’. A mother, who is not perfect but makes mistakes and is her authentic self as a result.  A mother, by being good enough is freed from perfectionism and therefore more creative in her parenting style.  She will try out different ways or methods to meet her baby’s needs. A mother, who is trying to get to know her baby, which can be quite frustrating especially in the beginning. 

​Yet being a parent to a baby requires a lot of energy to be vigilant to their needs, to navigate the adaption of having a baby in your life, to discover who this little, vulnerable bundle of love is. It brings out our deepest fears and hopes for the future of this tiny person. 

Additionally, Winnicott believed that gradually the good enough mother gently and slowly dethrones her toddler. The frustrations this leads to from the toddler slowly but surely increases frustration tolerance and resilience which are necessary life skills to cope and live in our society.

​So, the next and final important concept I learned was that a mother’s gaze is good enough, especially when I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with the many demands of parenting in a foreign country. Watching your baby begins with breastfeeding, where the distance is just right for connection and attunement to begin. Where the baby sees the mother’s delight in her eyes while she watches her baby feed. 

​From there even watching your baby lying next to you, babbling away is good enough for connection. Just having quality moments of watching your baby play is a powerful way of getting to know and understand your baby. There are even psychological interventions around this concept to assist parents develop a secure attachment with their babies. 

​So mothers, even though this is just a blog, the concepts here are simply yet powerful and I hope this helps you in your journey in discovering your baby. I wish you all the very best!! 

Written by: kelly mebar