Parental Alienation: The Hidden Mental Abuse That Shaped My Life

As I sit here reflecting on the training I attended with Ensi- ja Turvakoti Liitto on my last birthday, I’m struck by just how much I’ve learned, but more importantly, how much I’ve realised about my own past. The training on parental alienation, led by Karen and Nick Woodall, was supposed to be just another learning experience to support me in understanding the different cases we encounter at Familia, whether for counselling or advice. However, what I discovered was life-altering: I realised that I had been a victim of parental alienation as a child.

It was about an hour or two into the two-day training when everything clicked. Parental alienation wasn’t just a vague concept; it was my reality. I had lived through it for over 16 years, from the time I was 6 until I was 22. I had been alienated from a loving parent, and the effects of this separation reverberated through every aspect of my life. The realisation hit me hard, but it also gave me clarity about the damage I had endured—especially as I approach my 46th birthday.
 
What Is Parental Alienation?
 
Parental alienation is a form of psychological manipulation where one parent deliberately distances a child from the other parent. However, I believe that in some cases, a relative, teacher, or someone else with a close attachment to the child could also be responsible for causing this alienation. It goes beyond conflict between two adults—it becomes mental abuse inflicted on the child, often subtly but always damaging. This manipulation can manifest in many ways: false narratives, exclusion, or a constant stream of negativity about the alienated parent. The result is a distorted reality for the child, who is made to believe that the alienated parent is harmful, unworthy, or unloving. Sometimes, just creating physical distance between the child and the alienated parent, as seen in cases of abduction or enforced moves far from the parent, is enough to foster alienation.
 
In my case, this led to a profound estrangement from a parent who loved me dearly—a relationship I could not fully recover, and certainly not to the extent it could have been if the alienation hadn’t occurred. What many people fail to realise is that this isn’t merely family conflict; it’s mental abuse. It impacts a child’s sense of self, their emotional well-being, and their ability to trust others.
 
The Impact Beyond Parent-Child Relationships: My Lost Identity

The alienation didn’t stop at just damaging my relationship with my parent. It went much deeper, causing me to reject not only the love of my alienated parent but also my connection to my community, my culture, and even my identity. 

This psychological abuse also made me develop a deep resentment towards the parent who alienated me. With that resentment, I found myself angry at both my communities, both my cultures, and, in turn, both parts of my identity.
 
I felt caught between two worlds: my Finnishness and my Kuwaitiness—two aspects of my heritage that I began to despise. These cultural connections, which should have been a source of pride and belonging, became burdens I couldn’t embrace or accept. The alienation made it impossible to reconcile these parts of my identity, leaving me feeling torn apart.
 
I felt lost, trapped in a web of anger towards the parent who alienated me and confusion about the parent from whom I had been distanced. The rejection I felt towards myself mirrored the rejection I was conditioned to feel towards my alienated parent. This left me in limbo between two cultures, uncertain of who I was or where I belonged. I was not only rejecting my family but my very sense of self.

Researching Parental Alienation: Uncovering the Truth

After coming to this realisation, I decided to dig deeper into the phenomenon. What I discovered is that identifying the alienator—the person who initiates and perpetuates this manipulation—is not always straightforward. The alienator’s actions are often seen as acts of love or concern for the child, which makes it difficult to recognise the true perpetrator. Meanwhile, there are usually many victims in each case, and once they understand what has happened to them, they are often willing to come forward and speak out.

​This is because, in cases of parental alienation, the abuse is insidious. The child is not encouraged to escape or resist; instead, they are gradually and subtly manipulated into rejecting a parent, often without ever fully realising what they’ve lost. It may only be later, as adults, that they begin to reflect on their childhood with maturity. Only then do they comprehend the extent of the emotional manipulation they experienced and the lasting impact it had on their sense of self and relationships.
 
The Aftermath of Alienation
 
The long-term effects of parental alienation are profound. For over 16 years, I grew up believing I had been abandoned by my loving parent. When I finally realised the abuse and harm caused by the other parent, it had already deeply influenced the way I saw the world and myself. By the time I reached adulthood, my relationships with both parents had been severely damaged. Years of confusion, guilt, and anger had built up, leaving me with many questions and much pain.

It has taken me over 20 years of self-reflection to fully understand the extent of the damage. Through psychotherapy and trauma therapy, I have slowly pieced together the fragments of my childhood and my relationships. Even now, I am still on the path to healing, and it has not been an easy journey.
 
However, this process has given me clarity. It has helped me understand that I was not alone, nor was I to blame. The alienation I experienced wasn’t a reflection of who I was but the result of a manipulative situation over which I had no control.
 
A Note of Gratitude
 
In this journey of self-discovery, I am incredibly grateful for the resources that have helped guide me. Karen Woodall and Nick Woodall, who led the training I attended, also authored The Guide for Separated Parents: Putting Your Children First, a book I found invaluable. Over the past year, Karen’s blog has been a lifeline, helping me rediscover my sense of self as I continue my research on parental alienation. Their work has been instrumental in my journey towards understanding and healing, and I owe much of my progress to their insights.
 
Healing Through Awareness
 
Now, as I prepare to turn 46, I want to use my story to raise awareness of parental alienation and its devastating effects on children—particularly intercultural children. In their cases, it’s not just a parent that is alienated but often an entire culture, country, and identity. If this form of abuse continues to remain hidden, countless others will go through life experiencing the same confusion and hurt that I did. 

For any parent or child currently going through this, I want you to know that you are not alone—and that there is hope. Healing is possible, even if the road is long.

If you would like to hear more about my experience or have questions for me, I invite you to join our seminar on 19 September 2024, where I will be interviewed about my experience as a child victim of parental alienation.

You can register here.

Written by: Nora Dadi