Todelliset syyt, miksi sinun suomalainen puolisosi voi olla voimavara sinulle - Grace Ondo Thevenet
When I started to look into Familia’s activities, I couldn’t take one simple question out of my head : is having a Finnish spouse such a determining factor?
We often hear that having a Finnish partner gives us strength as immigrants. The most common reasons are that they are a support facing the bureaucracy, easing the integration process, learning the language, improving our job searching skills. Of course, in a concrete way, A Finnish spouse can help you proof-read a CV, or introduce you to Finnish culture. They should know about tax cards and can be your language practice partner.
But all this support, you could receive it from Finnish and foreigner friends, NGOs, teachers, municipalities. And very often also, you could make your way through it by yourself. So what are the real reasons a Finnish spouse could be a real strength for you?
Because they are your "Finnish safe space"
When the closest person in your life is a Finn, it offers you what I like to call a “Finnish safe place”. In your home, in the street, wherever you are or whatever you are doing with your Finnish partner, he becomes your permanent filter. Whatever situation you face, you know that you can turn to him, ask as many questions as you wish, and never feel uncomfortable or shy. “Why does the neighbour never says hi to me?” “How should I dress for this formal event?” “Is it ok if I call during the lunch break?” “Why is Joulupukki village open during summer time?” and all the other existential questions every foreigner wants to ask, but wouldn’t necessarily dare to ask to a friend or a stranger.
Because they will never be Finnish language teachers
You have Suomen Mestari 1 in one hand, Google translate in the other. Your teacher spent the last 3 months trying to make you understand what a predikatiivilause is. You debate with your classmates on sanatyypit and you listen religiously to YLE Selko-uutiset every day.
Then, when you get home, you start a conversation in Finnish with your Finnish spouse. Who will first answer in English. Then you’ll say “MITA?”, making that face which means “speak Finnish to me!”. They will then repeat the sentence in Finnish. You will say something else. They will speak too fast. You’ll ask them to explain why they used monikko. They will answer “I don’t know!” You’ll get angry. And both of you will speak English, until the next time you decide to try again.
Sounds familiar? That’s because your spouse is not and will never be your teacher. And guess what : that’s good news! It means that you can make your spouse your “language parent”. A language parent, as explained by C. Lonsdale, is a person with whom you will have a language experience similar to the one between a parent and a child. The rules? The parent will speak to the child, stimulate them and answer. They never correct what the child says, but just repeats the sentence correctly. They use words and topics that are of interest for the child and that they know the child can understand. On the other hand, the child repeats, even badly, and does everything they can to communicate and be understood. And of course, the kid never asks why use genetiivi instead of partitiivi. Use that “Finnish safe place” as a learning space. It will help you to take things more lightly, learn to not overthink, and build confidence.
Because they will make you nuance “Finland” and “Finns”
When I wrote about the “Finnish safe space”, I said that you can ask anything. Here I would like to further develop. Having a Finnish spouse can be a big strength for you, because it can help you to understand the “ Finns” and “Finnish way” mean everything and nothing at the same time. While integrating, most of us want to fit in and behave as properly as possible. We will try to do things “ Finnish way”. But by sharing the life of a Finn, we realise way faster that they too struggle with their tax card, the neighbor doesn’t say hi to them either, and really, they have no solid explanation to why the Joulupukki village is open in the summer. They will give you bad advice, they will be clueless, they will see things the wrong way.
Through them, their friends and family, you will meet Finns who speak too much. Finns who hate sauna. Finns who love hugs. Finns who always run late.
Having a Finnish spouse is a strength because they help you integrate in a very nuanced way that only spouses can: give you enough objectivity to learn how to fit in Finland without becoming an Aki Kaurismäki character.
Because a Finnish spouse is a spouse
Lastly, and it seems crucial to be mentioned: a Finnish spouse can be a strength for you, not because they are Finnish but because they are a spouse. When they listen to your troubles, when they help pick an outfit for an interview. When they make you dinner. When they introduce you to their friends and family. When they give you advice. They act like a spouse, not like a “Finnish” spouse. Confidence, self-esteem, stability, all these are tremendous strengths that you get from a spouse, Finnish or not.
The specificity of your background has to be taken into account, by yourself and all the actors who surround you. Being in an intercultural relationship with a Finn, as an immigrant, can be a real strength. Directly, on concrete things that your spouse can help you do on a daily basis and making things easier. But in a more interesting way, in my opinion, sharing the life of a Finn helps you de-dramatize, nuance, be more natural and self-confident. That is your biggest strength.
Grace (Ondo) Thevenet
When I started to look into Familia’s activities, I couldn’t take one simple question out of my head : is having a Finnish spouse such a determining factor?
We often hear that having a Finnish partner gives us strength as immigrants. The most common reasons are that they are a support facing the bureaucracy, easing the integration process, learning the language, improving our job searching skills. Of course, in a concrete way, A Finnish spouse can help you proof-read a CV, or introduce you to Finnish culture. They should know about tax cards and can be your language practice partner.
But all this support, you could receive it from Finnish and foreigner friends, NGOs, teachers, municipalities. And very often also, you could make your way through it by yourself. So what are the real reasons a Finnish spouse could be a real strength for you?
Because they are your "Finnish safe space"
When the closest person in your life is a Finn, it offers you what I like to call a “Finnish safe place”. In your home, in the street, wherever you are or whatever you are doing with your Finnish partner, he becomes your permanent filter. Whatever situation you face, you know that you can turn to him, ask as many questions as you wish, and never feel uncomfortable or shy. “Why does the neighbour never says hi to me?” “How should I dress for this formal event?” “Is it ok if I call during the lunch break?” “Why is Joulupukki village open during summer time?” and all the other existential questions every foreigner wants to ask, but wouldn’t necessarily dare to ask to a friend or a stranger.
Because they will never be Finnish language teachers
You have Suomen Mestari 1 in one hand, Google translate in the other. Your teacher spent the last 3 months trying to make you understand what a predikatiivilause is. You debate with your classmates on sanatyypit and you listen religiously to YLE Selko-uutiset every day.
Then, when you get home, you start a conversation in Finnish with your Finnish spouse. Who will first answer in English. Then you’ll say “MITA?”, making that face which means “speak Finnish to me!”. They will then repeat the sentence in Finnish. You will say something else. They will speak too fast. You’ll ask them to explain why they used monikko. They will answer “I don’t know!” You’ll get angry. And both of you will speak English, until the next time you decide to try again.
Sounds familiar? That’s because your spouse is not and will never be your teacher. And guess what : that’s good news! It means that you can make your spouse your “language parent”. A language parent, as explained by C. Lonsdale, is a person with whom you will have a language experience similar to the one between a parent and a child. The rules? The parent will speak to the child, stimulate them and answer. They never correct what the child says, but just repeats the sentence correctly. They use words and topics that are of interest for the child and that they know the child can understand. On the other hand, the child repeats, even badly, and does everything they can to communicate and be understood. And of course, the kid never asks why use genetiivi instead of partitiivi. Use that “Finnish safe place” as a learning space. It will help you to take things more lightly, learn to not overthink, and build confidence.
Because they will make you nuance “Finland” and “Finns”
When I wrote about the “Finnish safe space”, I said that you can ask anything. Here I would like to further develop. Having a Finnish spouse can be a big strength for you, because it can help you to understand the “ Finns” and “Finnish way” mean everything and nothing at the same time. While integrating, most of us want to fit in and behave as properly as possible. We will try to do things “ Finnish way”. But by sharing the life of a Finn, we realise way faster that they too struggle with their tax card, the neighbor doesn’t say hi to them either, and really, they have no solid explanation to why the Joulupukki village is open in the summer. They will give you bad advice, they will be clueless, they will see things the wrong way.
Through them, their friends and family, you will meet Finns who speak too much. Finns who hate sauna. Finns who love hugs. Finns who always run late.
Having a Finnish spouse is a strength because they help you integrate in a very nuanced way that only spouses can: give you enough objectivity to learn how to fit in Finland without becoming an Aki Kaurismäki character.
Because a Finnish spouse is a spouse
Lastly, and it seems crucial to be mentioned: a Finnish spouse can be a strength for you, not because they are Finnish but because they are a spouse. When they listen to your troubles, when they help pick an outfit for an interview. When they make you dinner. When they introduce you to their friends and family. When they give you advice. They act like a spouse, not like a “Finnish” spouse. Confidence, self-esteem, stability, all these are tremendous strengths that you get from a spouse, Finnish or not.
The specificity of your background has to be taken into account, by yourself and all the actors who surround you. Being in an intercultural relationship with a Finn, as an immigrant, can be a real strength. Directly, on concrete things that your spouse can help you do on a daily basis and making things easier. But in a more interesting way, in my opinion, sharing the life of a Finn helps you de-dramatize, nuance, be more natural and self-confident. That is your biggest strength.
Grace (Ondo) Thevenet