"We sat down as a family and discussed it. The children were upset, but we made it clear it was not their fault." "The two older ones who were in their later teens said that we should have done it long before. They could see that neither was happy in the relationship and we argued a lot." Divorce or separation changes children's lives permanently and shakes their feelings of security. For children divorce can be an especially stressful and confusing time, and it can be traumatic at any age. Shock, anger, guilt, sadness are all common feelings among children in divorced families. You can dramatically reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.
Your patience, love and listening skills can minimize anxiety as your children learn to cope with the new circumstances. By keeping routines and agreeing to them together with your ex, you remind them that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. By maintaining a working relationship with your ex is proved to help children the most to lessen the anguish and stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. With your support your child can emerge feeling loved, confident, and strong—and even with a closer bond to both parents. |
QUICK LINKS
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how to support your child When divorce is happening
Told my daughter that her mother is moving away. Daughter asked me constantly why her mother doesn't see her, doesn't love her." How to tell your children that you are divorcing? When you are sure that you are separating and the children's lives will change, it is time to have a family meeting. Here is a list of things how you can help your child to adjust:
Tell your child about the divorce together whenever possible. Find a peaceful moment and sit down as a family. Telling together tells your child you are a united front and shows you are still communicating and working together as parents.
Try to give a reason why this is happening. Be truthful. Be age appropriate and don’t go into details; simply like “Your Mom and I have been constantly arguing and we can’t be happy together anymore." Give concrete examples and practicalities, what will happen next. Explain how the child's life will and won't change. Concentrate on things that still stay the same. Be truthful and don't promise things that you are not sure of. Give your child time to adjust before doing big changes, like someone moving out or changing schools. Show affection often and assure your child is loved by both parents. Make sure your child knows that divorce is not because she/he did or didn’t do something and that it is not their fault. Come back to these as often as you need to. Don’t blame and talk nastily about your ex-spouse. Don’t involve your child in a conflict. Being part of a conflict causes the most stress - and can affect them even in their adulthood. Avoid arguing with or talking negatively about the other parent in front of your kids. She/he has a right to have a loving relationship with both parents. Don’t use your child as a messenger. Find a way to communicate with each other directly. If talking ends up in argument, use texts or emails and stay focused on facts about your child. Listen to your child and ask regularly how she/he is doing. Divorce is a process that takes time to understand and go through also for your child. Spend a lot of time together. Let your child to grief and be sad about the loss. Maintain stability and routines and consistent rules. Try to keep your kids’ daily and weekly routines as familiar and stable as possible. Preferably agree the ground rules with your ex so bedtimes and curfews are similar with both parents. Assure that everything will be OK even if some things might be up in the air for now. Support the child's relationship with the other parent. Let them be in contact also when with you. Separate your own emotions of the divorce and your ex-spouse from parenting. Good co-operation between parents helps your child the most. "My children were told as we both explained that we need to be happy to be able to be loving parents. Our daughter had some difficulties for around 6 months, she was 9 years old then. But she understood soon enough as both her parents were much more relaxed and loving!" Children react to divorce in different ways. Fear of separation and feelings of insecurity are common in all children during divorce even if they don't show visible reactions. Fear, guilt, sorrow and anger can affect the child's behaviour in different ways depending on the age;
what your child wishes from you
Listening to your child and asking how they are will give you understanding how your child is coping with the situation. Here are some of the most common things children would ask from their parents.
What helps a child to adjust?
Experiences from intercultural parents after divorce: "That the parents can get along amicably. If they show respect to each other, then everything goes a lot smoother." |
COnflict causes stress in children
Divorce is not necessarily the biggest stress factor for children, but conflict is. Watch the online TED talk by Professor Tamara Afifi from UCSB below.
EFFECTS on a Child and reactions after divorce
supporting your child
Alienation is harmful for a child It is called alienation if one parent tries to distance the child from the other parent or complicate the relationship between them. This can happen for example by painting incorrect mental images of the other parent or making visitations more difficult. Children tell themselves
Children who have experienced their parents divorce are the best to tell how they have felt and what they would have wanted form their parents. See the video below.
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self-reflection and Homework
One of the best ways you can help your child to adjust, is to go through your divorce and emotions thoroughly yourself. When you have done your part in self-reflection, dealt with the changing emotions, discussed with your ex-spouse and come at peace with the divorce, you are better equipped to have a divorce without resentment and bitterness that affect your child.
The identity of a child is formed with the knowledge that his/her Mom and Dad are nice people and that he/she was born because they loved each other. Talk kindly to your child about your ex, former relatives and the culture and habits they represent - they all affect his/her identity and feeling of self-worth. When you feel ready for it, you can find pictures of your former family and ex-spouse for your child to put out in his/her room.
Have enough time to spend in peace with each of your child to go through their emotions. With small children you can ask them to draw a picture of a divorce and discuss about the picture. With older children you can start conversations by asking for example how their life has changed and why they think people get married and divorced. Ask regularly how they are. If you don't live with your child, communicate actively with texts, emails and phone calls.
Talk positively about your child having two homes - it can actually be special and especially cool if there're two rooms to make your own. If there's no space for your child to have his/her own room, find some space that your child feels is just his/her own - this makes your child feel welcome and thought of in your home. Try to get all the most important toys and necessities for both homes so your child feels safe and comfortable in both.
The identity of a child is formed with the knowledge that his/her Mom and Dad are nice people and that he/she was born because they loved each other. Talk kindly to your child about your ex, former relatives and the culture and habits they represent - they all affect his/her identity and feeling of self-worth. When you feel ready for it, you can find pictures of your former family and ex-spouse for your child to put out in his/her room.
Have enough time to spend in peace with each of your child to go through their emotions. With small children you can ask them to draw a picture of a divorce and discuss about the picture. With older children you can start conversations by asking for example how their life has changed and why they think people get married and divorced. Ask regularly how they are. If you don't live with your child, communicate actively with texts, emails and phone calls.
Talk positively about your child having two homes - it can actually be special and especially cool if there're two rooms to make your own. If there's no space for your child to have his/her own room, find some space that your child feels is just his/her own - this makes your child feel welcome and thought of in your home. Try to get all the most important toys and necessities for both homes so your child feels safe and comfortable in both.
