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Theme 4: parenting after divorce

"We are doing great and we share responsibilities and thoughts about kids. Written agreements on expectations, communication requirements etc. are helpful."
- Father about co-parenting after an intercultural divorce
"Removing all emotions and advice from my communications has made things easier. Also accepting that he will continue to be who he is and nothing I do will change that.”
​- Mother about co-parenting after an intercultural d
ivorce
"Being able to work together for the benefits of each other and our Children."
-Father what helped him after an intercultural divorce
QUICK LINKS
  • Welcome to Duo Divorce Online Course
  • Theme 1: Getting a divorce in Finland
  • Theme 2: Coping with divorce
  • Theme 3: Children's wellbeing
  • Theme 4: Parenting after divorce
    • How to co-parent
    • Raising happy intercultural kids after divorce
    • For self-reflection and homework
  • Theme 5: Finding myself again
  • Help and support

 

how to co-parent

Co-parenting after divorce or separation is often anything but easy. Married couples don't always agree on raising children, divorced usually even less. Frustration, anger, exhaustion and concern can be in the way of finding your co-parenting path, especially in the beginning. It is not easy, and it needs a lot of work.

But unless there has been serious issues - like domestic violence or substance abuse - co-parenting is usually the best way to ensure that most of your child's needs are met and that the child has a close and loving relationship with both of the parents.

The relationship between co-parents has a strong influence on the mental well-being of the child. Staying calm and consistent, being able to communicate directly and resolve conflicts without involving the children will make co-parenting work and help your kids to be at their happiest. Don't expect this to happen in an instant, it requires a lot of determination, work and will, but is possible.
"Anger and sadness destroys the communication."
- Mother about co-parenting after an intercultural divorce
"Respect each other even if you are mad. If have nothing nice or problems solving things to say, be silent and talk after you are calm. Different cultures react different even for divorce."
​- Mother after an intercultural divorce
"It's tiring and hard work, sometimes emotions get in the way but mostly we do a good job."
-Father about co-parenting after an intercultural divorce
When co-parenting, remember these:

Put your own hurt and anger aside. Separate your feelings of divorce from parenting and behaviour. Be civil and respecful of another. Stay focused on the child and stop negativity. Cordiality goes a long way.

Don't talk badly about your ex in front of the children or let others around you to do that. Go above it and say positive things about your ex to your child. Encourage your child's relationship with your ex - who's their Mom or Dad.

Make communications better with your ex. Think of your communication with your ex is about the well-being of your child. The aim is to have conflict free communications - use texts if talking ends up badly. Don't send any messages through your child. Stay kid-focused and factual. Make requests instead of demands. Listening and patience give you tools forward, and remember that usually it is good to wait: answer only when your are calm. Especially if you are splitting time 50-50, you need to be able to communicate actively about your child at all times.

Keep promises and agreed timetables. Trust builds up only when agreements are followed. Written agreements and timetables keep things clear for both. If occasional flexibility is asked by your ex, it usually is also rememberd when you'd need it. Keep in mind that broken promises affect your child.

Try to co-parent as a team. Aim for consistency in rules, timetables and discipline in both homes. Keeping routines helps your child to adjust. There will be differences but basics should be agreed on and consistent, like bedtimes. Keep communicating to solve problems. Sometimes letting go when dealing with small things will not be only helpful but also leave yourself less stressed.

Keep each other informed of your child's important dates, schedules, hobbies, birthdays - and changes to them. There are also apps to help organize these.

Make transitions and visitations easier. Stay positive about the transition & visitation for your child. Remind them early enough and help to back. Try to have essentials and important toys in both homes.

Make your home a place of security where your child feels safe, loved, taken care of and respected.

Give your child time before introducing new partners. Your child wants and needs to spend time just with you. Be considerate also for your ex when new partners come along. Think if you'd rather hear about your child meeting your ex's new partner directly from your ex rather than accidentally from your child who can also ask you questions about that.

My child has met his father maybe 10 times since divorce 4 years ago. He is not involved in anyway. I am a single parent."
- Mother after an intercultual divorce
Sometimes there is no possibility to have both parents in the child's life after divorce. If you are raising your child alone, shower your child with even more love and affection - on behalf of both of you to give your child the feeling of being loved and cared for. Don't forget to find help and lean on your support group - you need to take care of yourself as much as your child.
 

Raising happy intercultural kids after divorce

“It was important for the children to understand their own identity. And that means they are Finns and that they are Greeks. I still visit his family and also met his new wife and child. I feel I became somehow Greek myself.”
- Mother after an intercultural divorce
For your intercultural child to grow with a strong self-identity, it is important to keep both parent’s cultures alive in his or her life – to have positive experiences and memories from both sides –
and especially continue to have a positive attitude towards the minority culture: the cultural background that is not as present and visible as your child’s Finnish side here in Finland.

Child’s identity is formed with the knowledge of feeling of belonging and knowing your roots. Your child has an intercultural background which you can help to grow and flourish. In the middle of a divorce it is not usually easy to foster your ex-spouses background but when doing so, you foster your child’s identity and self-worth.
"Unfortunately we don’t have any contact with the father’s family. I do speak about the memories I have, when we visited them when my child was small."
- Mother after an intercultural divorce
"My child lives 50% of time with me, goes on holiday with me etc. So I can keep contact with British friends/family etc in much the same way as when we were married."
- Father after an intercultural divorce
To support your child’s intercultural background, remember these:
  • Language – bilingualism is a wonderful asset in life – if you and your ex-spouse speak different languages to your child, you can sign up your school-aged children to have an hour a week of their (other than Finnish) mother tongue class outside regular school hours to support the minority language
  • Read books aloud from both cultures, possibly in both languages – or get audio books
  • Listen and sing songs with your child from both countries
  • Find tv shows, films, YouTube videos from the minority background for your child to watch
  • Be and let your child to be in regular contact with all Grandparents, cousins and family – email, talk, video chat with them and have photos around also of the ones that are not physically so much present – knowing your roots and the feel of belonging are the basis for your child’s identity
  • Find playgroups or Facebook groups to find same age friends with similar backgrounds
  • Celebrate holidays from both cultures
  • Cook and try different traditional dishes with your child
  • Travel to experience the country and see relatives abroad if possible
  • Talk positively about your ex’s culture – tell positive stories from your past and things you liked about it – remember things you found nice and interesting – if the talk is negative, your child might grow up thinking there’s something to be ashamed about him/herself as being part of it

co-parenting after divorce

 By Ensi- ja turvakotienliitto

Parent's tips for divorced parents

 By Ensi- ja turvakotienliitto

Dad's co-parenting tips

DOCUMENTS
Parenting plan lists all the things that should be agreed by parents. Exact timetables and rules set out clear expectations for both parents as well as for children.
Guidance on Children's matters after divorce in Finland
​
Parent's guide by EKTL
USEFUL LINKS
Ensi ja turvakotien liitto ETKL provides information for divorced parents, not just during crisis. They also keep up useful
apuaeroon.fi.

ASSOCIATONS FOR DIVORCED AND SINGLE PARENTS
  • Yhden Vanhemman Perheiden Liitto ry offers information and activities for single parent families in Finland. On their website, you can also find details on the calculation of the child support in English.
  • The Single Parent Association (Pienperheyhdistys ry) offers support and peer activities for single parents and their children. They also offer facilities for non-residential parents to meet with their children under supervision.
  • Hyväksymys is an association It provides relationship advice tailored for couples.
  • Mentalhub is an organization of  self-help program for coping with challenges of a breakup or divorce (Finnish only).
  • Elatusvelvollisten Liitto ry is for those parents who, after a divorce, are not living in the same household as their children anymore (Finnish only).
  • Fathers for children (Isät Lasten Asialla ry) is an association specifically for fathers who have experienced alienation and custody harassment, meaning their rights of being in contact with their children have been violated (Finnish only).

 

self-reflection and Homework

  • Ask your ex's opinion about something related to your child - this can help starting positive communications between you two. Choose a topic you don't feel too strongly about and ask your ex's input to show you value it.
  • Think how you or people around you talk about your ex and the ex’s culture – what kind of remarks are said, what kind of tone there is - how does your child talk about his/her background?
  • How can you support your child’s intercultural background in your everyday life?
  • Remember positive stories about your ex’s culture and your common history and share those with your child
  • Draw a family tree together and share nice stories of different family members

Toimisto / OFFICE 

Haapaniemenkatu 7-9 B,
​10. kerros / 10th floor
​00530 Helsinki
Suomi-Finland

Puhelin / PHONE

+358 44 773 8628 
​
(Ma-Pe 9.00-15.00 | Mon-Fri 9 a.m. to 3 p.m.)

aukioloajat / Opening times

Toimistomme ovat avoinna vierailijoille. Suosittelemme kuitenkin ystävällisesti soittamaan etukäteen ja sopimaan henkilökohtaisen tapaamisen.

Our offices are open to visitors. We kindly suggest calling in advance to book an appointment and meet us in person. ​

VAT-numero / VAT-Number

​1056329-6

Familia ry logo
Familia on johtava kahden kulttuurin perheiden asiantuntija ja edunvalvoja 
​Familia is the leading expert and advocate of intercultural families
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      • Familia: 35 years
    • Advocacy >
      • Municipal elections 2025 objectives
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      • Mother tongue instruction
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