"At the time it was really difficult. Hate and anger were my main feelings. But with time those feelings changed to happiness of the great experience I got through an intercultural marriage!"
-Ex-wife after an intercultural divorce

What would you do differently now?

"Panic less, be patient and make the best of what comes your way."
-Ex-wife after an intercultural divorce

"Walk away earlier and not hold on too long to a dead relationship."
-Ex-husband after an intercultural divorce

"Nothing. It made me, who I am now."
-Ex-wife after an intercultural divorce

QUICK LINKS 

• Welcome to Duo Divorce Online Course
• Theme 1: Getting a divorce in Finland
• Theme 2: Coping with divorce
• Theme 3: Children's wellbeing
• Theme 4: Parenting after divorce
• Theme 5: Finding myself again
  • Positive outlook on future
  • Dating after divorce
  • Self-reflection and homework
• Help and support

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positive outlook on future

When most of the hurdles are gone and you have come more terms with your divorce, little by little you start experiencing real joy, happiness and have a hopeful outlook for future. You can also start seeing the positive sides about your divorce and see more and more why this was a good decision. One of the major stresses of your life —the divorce itself— will be over.

"What helped me was having much less stress after the separation occurred, more peace of mind, more energy and a brighter future."
-Ex-wife after an intercultural divorce

"Decide what you want for your future and make a plan to make that happen."
-Ex-wife after an intercultural divorce

It is time to find the person you always wanted to be. Find out who you are and the things you really want, and aim for those. Concentrate on yourself, your own interests and the dreams you still wish to do.  Treating yourself well, maybe finding new hobbies and interests as well as knowing yourself better will lead you for a more positive future. Building your self-esteem and finding yourself again starts by asking yourself 'who am I, what do I like and what do I really want for myself'.

All the self-reflection you do will help you to know yourself better. New confidence builds up over time. You can feel it starting with little steps like putting up a new shelf on your own or learning a new skill or with bigger steps like buying a new home. You recognize you are moving on and finding a new, confident and happy life for yourself on your own. Change is always an opportunity, and divorce offers you a major one.

"I started learning to love myself more."
-Ex-wife after an intercultural divorce

 

dating after divorce

Divorced couples are recommended to take their time and concentrate on themselves before starting a new relationship. It happens often that you bring old problems to new relationships if you don't recognise and work on them first. If you have children, remember also that they need time to adjust and be just with you before any new partners are introduced.

But at some point you feel you are actually over your ex-spouse and confident about who you are. Your self-confidence is back and you start feeling ready to date again. If you don't want to date, that's fine too, but see friends and be active.

But how to date? It may feel a bit daunting. It might have been many years since you have dated the last time, and the dating scene can be quite different than before with all the apps and social media involved. Here are some suggestions for dating after divorce:

1. Be physically and emotionally ready
2. Take your time
3. Be honest and open - be yourself
   
4. Have reasonable expectations
5. Trust your gut when meeting people
   
6. Try dating apps
   1. people have dating apps for different reasons, know your own and look for similar
   2. don't take it personally or on your self-esteem if things don't go the way you wished for with someone you have been exchanging messages or even met with
   3. 'ghosting' exists although it's not how adults are expected to behave
   4. if you are not sure about your profile, ask help from a friend who knows online dating
7. When having a first date with someone (especially if you met online), it's easier if you
   1.  have some activity together
   2. maybe even have a back-up plan if it turns out to be a terrible date
   3. schedule the date so you have enough time to get ready and relax before
8. Have fun and explore new possibilities.

three stories of dating after divorce

Here are online peer examples for support as they share their different personal experiences and perspectives on dating after divorce - the last one a couple who have a blended family now.

Here a divorced couple tell their story and reflect their past from both sides after being divorced several years.

What helped you to move on?
"State of mind. And occupied with productive activities, not reminiscing the past but making sure that there are lessons learnt."
- Ex-husband of an intercultural marriage

It's time to explore your own dreams and wishes. Here's one online inspirational speaker's message to start finding yourself again.

STEPFAMILIES
Stepfamilies or blended families encounter many issues and problems that nuclear families don't have to face and require a lot of work and planning to function well.

Stepfamily association Supli offers support, counselling and peer groups for stepfamilies in Finland.

Helpguide.org offers online tips for blended families and step-parenting.

"Find the correct partner and don't hurry."
- Ex-wife after an intercultural divorce

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SElf-reflection and Homework

• List things you wish to do in life; think hobbies you've always wanted to try and things to accomplish - start doing at least one of them now
• What kind of life would you like to have? What kind of steps you'd need to take towards that? Write or make a collection of pictures.
  
• Think what you have learnt from your divorce and during this process about yourself. What are you proud of yourself? Try also listing things you are grateful for.