The first step to becoming a good communicator with your partner is to know about your own communication style. As a second step, it is also important to be aware of the communication style your partner is using. This chapter will give you insights into different personal and culturally based communication styles. We are sure you will be able to find yourself and your partner in some of the described cases.

personal communication styles

Generally speaking, there are three major styles of communication:

1. Aggressive Style: One way of saying something is to use very direct wording and a loud tone of voice. Gestures are fast and sharp, words are coming in a very bold, almost demanding way. The information is conveyed directly, honestly, without whitewashing, but people on the receiving end feel often defensive, hurt, afraid, or also tend to get aggressive.
2. Submissive or Passive Style: The second style of expression is all about pleasing others and avoiding conflict. It is a very apologetic and soft style. In general, apologising, even for irrelevant things, is normal. While people using this style are usually great listeners, people on the receiving end might often feel frustrated or guilty.
3. Assertive Style: This style is all about sending out messages without hurting the people involved in the conversation. The core value behind this style is protection of one owns rights, and respect of other's rights. It is the healthiest and most effective style of communication. Assertive communicators speak clearly and calmly, do not try to manipulate others and they can be taken at their word. People on the receiving end know where they stand with that person.

​There are two more known styles of communication (Passive-Aggressive and Manipulative) which we will not cover here. If you want to learn more about these styles, please check "Further Learning" section.
 
In general, the assertive style is the most desirable communication style and the one you should try using with your partner. Adjusting to it might be a long process and it often involves the reversing of habits that have been learned in a lifetime.

exercise: Matching sentences with communication styles

Try our exercise and see if you can match these sentences with a corresponding style of communication:

1. "You are crazy!" 
2. "Oh, it does not matter. Whatever is good for you, is good for me." 
3. "Oh, that is all right. I do not need it anyways." 
4. "I am so sorry, but I will not be able to help you this afternoon. I have a doctor's appointment." 
5. "You make me sick!" 
6. "Do as I tell you!" 
7. "Oh, it is nothing, really." 
8. "Please could you turn down the volume of the radio? I am trying to study and I am struggling to concentrate. Thank you." 

• Assertive Style
  
  
  
• Passive Style 
  
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• Aggressive Style 

Which style do you prefer to hear? Can you come up with some phrases of your own? 

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cultural communication styles

Studying culture without experiencing culture shock is like practicing swimming without experiencing water.”
- Geert Hofstede

One very important point to improve the communication skills between you and your partner is to be aware of the cultural differences between the two of you. Prejudices or other barriers are often not the reason for bad communication it is the ignorance, the lack of understanding of the other person's culture and the influence it has on the style of communication. Being aware of the differences in communication styles between the culture of your partner and your own culture might be a first step out of your struggles.
  
One of the great experts in the field of intercultural communication, Geert Hofstede, calls communication styles the "software" of communication. The way we communicate depends on where we were born and raised, how we saw other people around us communicating growing up and the norms of the society we have been exposed to in our formative years. In other words, it depends on our culture. Hofstede, (2001) emphasises three steps to successful, nonviolent intercultural communication: 
 

• Awareness of the existence of cultural differences 
• Knowledge about what the cultures involve, including one's own 
• Skills in communicating with people holding different values, through developing shared practices.  

exercise: Determining your own communication style

Now, together with your partner, take a look at the following exercise and try to find out your own culturally based communication styles. Read through the different styles presented. In which group do you find yourself and in which group do you see your partner? Discuss how these different communication styles might influence your relationship.

​Read with your partner through the different communication styles presented. In which group do you find yourself and in which group do you see your partner? Discuss how these different communication styles might influence your relationship.  
 

• (A) These cultures value warmth and emotional expressiveness. They do not hide their feelings. More than one person can talk at the same time. This shows warmth, good feelings, and interest in the conversation. People like colourful, emotional talk and argument and often expect their listeners to work out the connections between their ideas. They can bring in various topics to add interest to the subject being discussed. The person's position on a subject and his or her feelings about it can be the real message, not the actual words used.  
  
  
• (B) These cultures value harmonious, warm relations and a dramatic style of talk. It is good to make very strong generalisations and have strong opinions. People then persuade others to agree using a lot of comparisons and are repeating words and phrases in a poetic way. If people do not use strong, elaborate language, others might think they do not really believe what they are saying.  
  
  
• (C) These cultures value harmony and try to avoid any unpleasantness or disagreement. Talk is often indirect. For example, people avoid saying "no" directly or accepting the first offer. Bad news, criticism, disagreement, refusal, or requests might be just hinted at, and others have to guess the meaning. People try to give background information first and find out what others think before expressing their own opinion. People take it in turns to speak and wait a little while between turns to show they have listened carefully. They feel comfortable when nobody is talking. People should be humble and modest.  
  
  
• (D) These cultures value sincerity and spontaneity. People can express positive and negative emotions and argue strongly, telling other people they are wrong, without softening their disagreement. They can refuse to see other points of view, to show how strong their position is.   
  
  
• (E) These cultures value individual autonomy. People should take it in turns to talk and not interrupt others, but there is no pause between turns as they feel uncomfortable if nobody is talking. People should speak in a clear, direct manner; for example, they can say "yes" or "no" they would or would not like something the first time it is offered. They should say the most important thing first so that people have a clear idea of the purpose of the communication. They should argue and criticise in a calm, unemotional way, trying to see both sides of an argument and, generally, should not show their feelings openly. People value their private space and are careful not to impose on others.  


• (F) These cultures also value harmonious relations but do not avoid an argument. They sometimes agree and disagree in the same turn. This does not weaken their argument. They may take long turns to justify their position and use a lot of repetition and formal language. They prefer to give background information and their reasons before making the main point. 
  

To learn more about cultures and how they affect our communication and different aspects of our lives, we suggest Hall E. (1976) Beyond Culture book. Please refer to our "Further Learning" section.

QUICK LINKS TO THE COURSE THEMES

• Welcome to Intercultural Communication Self-Study Online Course
• Theme 1: Communication Styles
• Theme 2: Listening
• Theme 3: Interpretation of Communication
• Theme 4: Non-Violent Communication
• Theme 5: Love Languages
• Theme 6: Conflict Prevention and Resolution
• ​Sources

FURTHER LEARNING:
​

• Hall, E. T. (1976). Beyond culture. New York: Anchor Press/Double day.
• 5 Styles of Communication. DS Psychology Group

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​​Watch the following videos and reflect on your own cultural background and how you may be able to spot it in your everyday behavior and interaction with others.

  Cross cultural communication | Pellegrino Riccardi | TEDxBergen

​The first video is about cross-cultural communications by Pellegrino Riccardi. Pay attention on how he highlights values as key element in cultural behavior. Think of values important to you and how those values show in your communication with your partner.

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 How Culture Drives Behaviours | Julien S. Bourrelle | TEDxTrondheim
​Watch this video on culture shaping behavior. Pay attention to the emphasis the speaker places on the role of attitudes. Reflect on the possible attitudes or mindsets you carry that differ from those of your partner’s.

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What Is The Difference Between A High-context And Low-context Culture?
​Watch the video to learn more about Hall's theory of cultural communication styles and High and Low Cultures.

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