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This part of our course is all about listening in intercultural relationships. In the next paragraphs, you will learn more about general myths people believe in when they think about listening. Further, we will explain to you why these myths are erroneous. You will also understand the difference between a mindless (or pseudo) listener and a mindful (or real) listener and at the end we will show you ways how to become a mindful listener to your partner. But let’s start with some myths about listening.
Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” listening mythsMyth 1 “Listening and hearing are the same process”.
Listening and hearing are not the same processes at all. Whilst hearing is a passive act that happens for example when you hear a car driving by, listening is an active, conscious process where you should use all senses and your cognitive thinking skills. Myth 2 “Listening is easy and requires little energy”. This is a myth because, physiologically seen, active listeners will undergo the same changes as a person jogging. When paying attention and listening carefully, your brain is working full time. For example, at the end of a class, you will be as tired as if you have been running. Myth 3 “We are always listening the same”. This is not true either. There are at least four different styles of listening, and the mindset is very different in each of the following styles:
Empathic listening is done in intercultural couples. You try to feel empathy, to feel as your partner is feeling, listen carefully and maybe help. You will also feel emotions, different feelings arising throughout the conversation, and support your partner while listening. Mindless (pseudo) listening vs. mindful (real) listening. Now, after reading through a few myths about listening we would like to tell you about the listening style that is used by many couples who are experiencing problems in a relationship. It is called mindless listening or pseudo listening.
In pseudo listening, the intent is not to listen, but to cater to some other personal need of the listener. It is characterised by selective hearing, defensive posture and a judgmental attitude. The listening is unfocused, people are impatient and often they are not even interested in the topic. People who listen mindlessly also tend to listen only to find the vulnerabilities of the other person and to buy themselves time, to prepare for the next comment. This way of listening is not a very constructive one and might be the major cause for many problems in a relationship. Now, how to get out of this listening style? We suggest that you and your partner try to practice mindful listening when communicating with each other. Real or mindful listening is based on one’s intention to understand the other one better and to enjoy the conversation with the other person. It is all about learning something from your partner or giving your partner help or feedback. Often, mindful listening is also described as active listening and it consists of interaction, paraphrasing, openness, feedback and empathy. I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” exercise: Pseudo vs. Real listeningEveryone is a pseudo listener at times. Think carefully about some significant people in your life and assess with whom you communicate as an active listener versus a pseudo listener. Note down on a piece of paper an estimate of your listening abilities in each relationship.
1. Pseudo listening percentage (%) when it comes to: a) a co-worker b) a friend c) a relative d) your partner 2. Real listening percentage (%) when it comes to: a) a co-worker b) a friend c) a relative d) your partner Now, reflect on the results. Are there any relationships in which you could do better in listening to the other? exercise: Practicing real listening To say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard. It's a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued.” How to become a mindful listener?
So far, we have covered a lot about listening myths, listening styles, and real vs pseudo listening in this theme. If you want to improve your listening and try to be a real listener to your partner, we suggest that you try some of the following actions when you have a conversation with your spouse. You will notice that the communication, as a whole, will be more fluent, informative, and understandable.
As a continuation of this exercise, do some homework with your partner. For one day, commit yourself to real listening. Try to understand, enjoy, help, or learn something from your partner. Listen with openness and empathy, paraphrase and give feedback. Make an effort to observe if any pseudo listening arises and try to overcome it by the real listening methods mentioned above. You can extend the exercise to a week when you feel ready. We are sure, that quality of your listening will begin to improve as a result. |
QUICK LINKS TO THE COURSE THEMES
FURTHER LEARNING:
To reflect further on listening skill, why it is important and how you can improve your own, please watch the following videos on listening by William Ury (2015), communication coach Alex Lyon (2018), Thomas Neal (2016) and Celeste Headlee (2016). Based on the videos, can you think of two things that would help you improve your listening skills? Would the practice of active listening bring positive changes to your life and relationship?
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Familia on johtava kahden kulttuurin perheiden asiantuntija ja edunvalvoja Familia is the leading expert and advocate of intercultural families |
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