Have you ever heard of the book called "Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman?

This book discusses the connection between the different forms of expressing love and affection depending on personality types. Chapman, (2005) describes the ways we feel loved and appreciated in our daily relationships. Just like some of us may speak English, some Finnish or some French, everyone has one or two ways in which they feel, understand and express love in the most natural manner hence, making that primary way their love language.

As said, depending on a personality type, but also highly influenced by culture, our partner may have a different principal love language than us. When partners speak different love languages, there is a high chance of one or both partners feeling unsatisfied, not loved or not appreciated by the other due to this disconnection of languages. Frankly, it is another type of a language barrier.
 
 
Examples:
 
 “Why do you need me to tell you again that I love you? I have told you many times. You should really start believing it!” 
“Why don’t you want to kiss me? Don’t you love me?” 
“If he really loved me, he would offer to go pick up that package from the mail I told him about.” 
“Why did you bring me flowers on a Wednesday? Is that your way of making up for not spending any time with me?” 
 
Just like communication styles, love languages need to be discovered, reflected on and communicated to others, or in this case to our partners. They can be a great tool for a more successful relationship, in which both partners feel appreciated and validated. According to Dr. Chapman, (2005), there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. 
In the next section we will take a closer look at them. 

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5 love languages:

People with this love language show and receive love through words. They need verbal expression of affection that build up and encourage. The words of affection themselves do not have to be complicated; the shortest and simplest praises can be just as effective. Although, they must be presented regularly enough so the person does not end up feeling withheld from affection in the relationship.

"That dress looks incredible on you!” 
“You always make me laugh.”  
“Thank you for being you.”
 “I love you.” 

Words mean a lot to someone operating under this love language. Compliments or an “I love you” can make a big difference in this person’s day. On the other hand, negative or insulting comments can hurt your partner and it can take them longer to forgive than others due to the cruciality of words to them. ​

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Your partner might have this love language if their motto is “Actions speak louder than words.”  
This love language is expressed by doing things that you know your partner would need or like to get done. Cooking a meal, doing laundry or picking up a package serve as examples of such expressions of affection. They require thought, time, and effort and should be done while having the partners happiness in mind. Acts of service go beyond the usual duties and household chores one performs on a daily basis. They are dedicated to helping out the other partner.The acts can be small in detail but mean the world to the individual receiving them.

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This love language does not necessarily need to be about materialism. Gifts do not need to be big or cost a lot. The most important factor is the meaning and thought put into choosing a gift to make the partner feel loved and appreciated. A simple thing could be getting the partner’s favorite ice cream after a long work week. It could mean getting flowers without any special occasion. It could mean a small souvenir that tells the partner, "I thought of you while I was away.”

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For people with this primary love language, undivided attention is key in a relationship. No television screen, no smartphones, or any other distractions are allowed when quality time is in process. Whether it is sitting on the couch and watching a movie together, or having an adventurous activity in the city planned, be sure to have your partner as the center of attention and to focus on them solely.  
Cancelling a date, postponing time together or not being fully present (e.g., spacing out) during the time together can be very hurtful and make your partner feel less important than whatever caused the distraction.  Similarly, as a person operating in the language of words of affirmation feels loved when you verbalize your affection for them, a person operating via quality time requires your attentiveness.

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​For people with this love language, nothing is more meaningful than the physical touch of their partner. They feel more connected and safe in a relationship where they can express their love by for instance, holding hands, kissing or hugging the other. 
If physical touch is your partner’s primary love language, they will feel unloved and even rejected without being able to demonstrate or receive any physical contact. No words of appreciation or gifts in the world will change that. They want to feel you close, not by verbal expression of affection, but by physical display of love. 

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EXERCISE: Discover Your Love Language

A) Take the quiz to find out which is your primary love language. If possible, have your partner take the same quiz. Together, take the time to discuss the differences you may have discovered on how to give and receive love.
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B) Reflect on how you could become more aware of your partner's love language in the future. Set practicing that awareness as a goal for the future.

QUICK LINKS TO THE COURSE THEMES

• Welcome to Intercultural Communication Self-Study Online Course
• Theme 1: Communication Styles
• Theme 2: Listening
• Theme 3: Interpretation of Communication
• Theme 4: Non-Violent Communication
• Theme 5: Love Languages
• Theme 6: Conflict Prevention and Resolution
• ​Sources

FURTHER LEARNING:

• Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago, Northfield Pub.
• 5 Love Languages Official Website

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If you are interested in learning more about Love Languages, please check out the videos below. How would you express your affection to your partner in their love language?

The 5 Love Languages Explained

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Dr. Gary Chapman on The Five Love Languages

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5 Ways To Work With Your Partner's Love Language

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