International Workers' Day is meant to celebrate the fellowship between all workers, in Finland and worldwide. For this day, I would like to share my recent personal experience with attempting to change my career. I hope that my experience, and the tools I used to go through it, will strengthen and empower fellow workers, particularly from intercultural families, who struggle with their own work situations.
Throughout my life, I always wanted to be an academic researcher. Already when I finished elementary school, at the age of 12, I asked to write in the yearbook that my dream is to research history and foreign cultures. As soon as I could, I started my academic studies, first in Israel, then a Master’s in Helsinki and a PhD in Turku.
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Picture: Our empty room when we arrived in Helsinki This year the world mental health day falls on the 10.10.22 and the theme is “Make mental health and well-being a priority for all”. What does it mean to all of us, especially intercultural families who have challenges integrating to a new society? Mental health issues are on the rise especially during and after the Covid-19 pandemic crisis which affected many people globally where they had to be confined to homes, lost their main source of incomes, lost their loved ones and a complete shutdown in their everyday lives. When Covid-19 struck, we had to learn to fast track to deal with mental health and wellbeing issues all of a sudden , unprepared like a bunch of kindergarten children on the first day of school. I am no exception to them. Here is my transition story moving from a big city, Kuala Lumpur to a quiet town of Sipoo, 30 km east of Helsinki a year ago. I come from an intercultural family where my Finnish husband speaks Swedish and Finnish; and on my side, my mother tongue is Cantonese and I learned Bahasa Malay, English and Mandarin in my formative school years. Our common household language is English with our children. I am lucky to be able to access to support groups and intercultural family groups here like Familia or Spouse Program to share my woes and lament unlike back home in Malaysia. For example, Familia has given me a place or platform to share my thoughts and mix with other intercultural families who may be going through what I went through in life situations such as the severeness of digital exclusion, seeking employments, choice of children’s education development or discriminatory actions of certain groups of minority. The MenTalk initiative was undertaken by an organizational collaboration between Familia and Perhelinna/Trapesa during the 2021 autumn season in Espoon keskus. MenTalk is a closed peer support group model to provide a space where men can bring their daily difficulties that derive from an ideal image of masculinity, which could have been passed onto them or developed over time.
By sharing experiences and questioning our behaviors with other men going through similar issues, we intended to discuss and find improved ways of communication, understanding of needs, feelings, behaviors and boundaries. We decided to move back home after our son was born. I couldn't wait to be back in Helsinki closer to my mother and relatives. I knew we were doing the right move especially due to the fact that my kids would be in much better schools. Little did I think of my husband, my Bahraini husband, who has only ever just visited Finland for the holidays that were filled with fun, excitement and free of worry. Those visits that every relative and friend of mine tries to meet us before we would leave again. Finland was an exciting, fun and very friendly place he always thought. My husband was raised in a huge family. He, his six brothers and all 40+ cousins were constantly together. His parents were always available for support and advice, and so were his elder brothers, aunts, uncles and even his cousins. No one was left behind without all the support, to help them up again on their feet. "During the most difficult days, I remind myself of what my mother taught me; don't give up, always believe after every fall there is a rise. When you reach the bottom, there is only one way left to go, up." - Ali Dadi I moved to Finland sometime before my husband as to get an apartment and so our elder daughter would start school. When my husband moved, he was so happy to know he could spend six months with our baby boy before he would turn three and join the education system. My husband expressed his amazement, for a country to give such an opportunity, being able to reconnect and close the distance that grew between him and his son whom he had missed while he was away. Soon our son was at day care, my husband was placed with an unsuitable group by the Employment Office (TE-toimisto) and he started drifting away in front of my eyes. He was absent minded, tried to join conversations but was too sensitive to talk about anything, and turned from a healthy race driver into a very poor shape. He was a walking dead man who looked like my husband. I was never so worried as I was then. ![]() Before summer he managed to find a suitable integration study program and convinced the Employment Office to let him take a part in it. Suddenly he was with similarly educated people from all around the world. He started to get out of that scary place. He was also called for few races in Morocco, France, Italy, Dubai and Oman, so he got to see his racing buddies. By mid-summer my old husband was back and we were able to talk at last. He tried explaining the feelings he had. He started crying and explaining that he is so disappointed in himself for being so weak. That was the moment that it hit me, how many men are raised up to think that feeling is weak. My beloved husband needed to know he was the most amazing man but he is a human being too. He never realized that he had the right to look at his own feelings, his own happiness and well being. And that does not make him any less manly nor weak. We discussed and he agreed that he might need help before next winter. As a Finn who has lived most of my life outside of Finland I did not know other than the healthcare centre to seek help for him. "The most difficult thing for me was, that I did not know how long will this take, but I did know it has to end sooner or later." - Ali Dadi My husband was raised in a psychologically smart family, so he never needed a professional psychologist's help. When his friend died in a burning race car in front of his eyes, he found all the support he needed to bounce back from that trauma. When my husband was stuck under a car and burned 2/3 of his back, his family's support helped him through that too. He always had help naturally, spoke of his pain and was supported with no fancy disorders names that physiologists give. He did not even know what depression really was. Until that winter in Finland. ![]() He entered the doctor's room. He said: “I suffered from depression last winter, and now as winter is approaching, I want to prevent falling back to the same depression again. All I need is a counsellor to talk to because I feel lonely, and I feel that I have no one on my side.“ To which the doctor replied: “You can't know what you need, if you had depression and are talking about it, it means it was a very mild one and so I can describe you something you take if you feel depressed next time.” My husband refused the medication and came home to tell me what happened. He felt attacked when his psychological intelligence was disrespected. We diced to try to find other ways to find him help. We got to the GYM together, I listened to him whenever he needed to talk, and we tried to survive that winter together. He did face difficulties, but it was much better than the winter before. Before the end of the winter we attended Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) training course. That course proved to him how psychologically educated, smart and aware he was naturally. He was one of the strongest people in understanding that course. Everyone saw it and praised his intelligence. "All I need is a counsellor to talk to because I feel lonely, and I feel that I have no one on my side.“ - Ali Dadi Now as a wife, I have to stand and shout as loud as I can "Men's mental wellbeing matters too". I see communities so busy caring about the children's mental wellbeing and the mothers' mental wellbeing and divorced women's mental wellbeing but rarely have I heard of men's, they do exist but rarely heard of and when needed we didn't know how to find them. Don't get me wrong, I think everyone's mental wellbeing is important, but we should not forget the men. Men have been taught to be strong, not cry, work hard, not complain and many have been taught to not get weak and ask for psychological assistance. We have to change this stereotyping. We have to embrace men as human beings, not as robots programed to keep it together and fix every broken thing at home. Because sometimes it's him who needs helping to fix something broken, and there is no shame to allow him to ask for that help. "I was never ready to give up my love to this amazing man, so I knew we had to find away through this!" From the experience I learned to listen to him instead of only talking and asking him to listen to me. I learned how to be patient and give him time to figure out the feeling he is going though. And learned how to read his need of a hug or a touch when he needed that too. He moved to Finland for me and for our children so this is the least I could give him in return, be there for him. My husband is all good, and almost got used to the Finnish style of life, and he made few friends, which helped him a lot. But I wish we knew about the peer support groups that are offered. I found out about father's group that gather in Familia ry for years, just few weeks ago. That would have been just what he needed in those lonely dark days. "We have taken this decision to walk through life together, so we have to always remember to wait for the other one and hold hands on the rough surfaces." Men's mental wellbeing matters too.
Nora Dadi Hurjaa vauhtia muuttuva tilanne ja kaikkialta tulviva uutisvirta koronaviruksesta (COVID-19). Sitä on meidän kaikkien elämä juuri nyt. Lapsille korona on näkynyt lisääntyneenä käsienpesuna kotona ja koulussa, päiväkotien pihojen puheena, aikuisten huolestuneina ilmeinä ja kenties myös pettymyksinä peruuntuneiden harrastusten ja lomamatkojen muodossa. Moni vanhempi puolestaan pohtii, kuinka kertoa tilanteesta lapselle ilman että lisää lapsen mahdollista huolta perheestä kotona ja maailmalla. Entä kuinka pitää lapsen arki mahdollisimman normaalina sosiaalisesta etäisyyden ottamisesta huolimatta? Puhu lapselle hänen ikätasolleen sopivasti Puhumatta jättäminen huolestuttaa lapsia enemmän kuin puhuminen. Kaikkea ei kuitenkaan tarvitse kertoa ja aikuisen tehtävänä on välittää lapselle suodatettuja faktoja sekä ennen kaikkea turvallisuuden tunnetta. Lasta ei kannata kuormittaa liialla informaatiolla, mutta hänen kysymyksiinsä tulee vastata rehellisesti ja selkeästi. Joskus kysymykseen ei löydy vastausta, mutta tärkeämpää on, että olet läsnä ja saatavilla. Rauhoita lasta ja kerro asioista jotka pitävät teidät turvassa Ole rauhoittava ja rohkaiseva. Puhu erilaisista tavoista, joilla teidän perheenne ja muut ihmiset pysyvät turvassa. Taaperoiän ohittaneet lapset ymmärtävät kerrottaessa jo senkin, että suurin valtaosa koronavirukseen sairastuneista sairastaa lievän flunssatyyppisen taudin ja että lapset näyttävät pääsevät vähimmällä. Lapselle on myös hyvä kertoa, ettei poikkeustilanne ole lopullinen ja että tilanne varmasti paranee ajan mittaan. Ylläpidä vanhoja rutiineja ja luo uusia Lapset rakastavat rutiineja ja ennalta-arvattavuutta. Tämänhetkiseen tilanteeseen kuuluu kuitenkin vääjäämättä ennalta-arvattavuuden väheneminen ja rutiinien muuttuminen. Niinpä kannattaa istua alas miettimään oman perheen päiväjärjestystä ja viikko-ohjelmaa, ja tehdä mukavia yhteisiä suunnitelmia niissä raameissa, jotka meillä juuri nyt on. Myös yhteiset ruokahetket ja säännölliset nukkumaanmenoajat tuottavat lapselle tunteen ennalta-arvattavuudesta ja turvallisuudesta. ![]() Pitäkää hauskaa perheenä Moni lapsi on jo ehtinyt sanomaan, että parasta tässä tilanteessa on se, että vanhemmat ovat koko ajan kotona. Yltäkylläisestä yhteisestä ajasta kannattaa ottaa ilo irti ja miettiä yhdessä erilaisia aktiviteetteja: kirjojen lukemista, teltan pystyttämistä olohuoneeseen, kengän nauhojen solmimisen opettelua, tutkimusmatkoja lähiympärystöön, yhdessä leipomista ... Istuukaa yhdessä alas ideoimaan ja innovoimaan. Osallista lapset päätöksentekoon, perheen arkeen ja yhteiseen aikaan, eli juuri siihen, jota lapset eniten rakastavat ja arvostavat. Eikä jakso, pari Pikku Kakkosta tai Pipsa Possuakaan pahitteeksi ole! Pidä huolta itsestä Yleinen epävarmuus ja huoli lapsista - joskus myös omasta toimeentulosta ja perheestä maapallon toisessa kolkassa - vaikuttaa myös aikuisiin. Siksi on tärkeää, että pidät huolta itsestäsi ja omasta jaksamisesta. Seuraa uutisia, mutta pistä uutiset ja sosiaalinen media aina välillä tauolle. Ylläpidä terveellisiä rutiineja ja luo päivärytmi etätyöpäivien ajaksi - muista myös tauot! Pidä yhteyttä muihin ihmisiin - ystäviin, sukulaisiin ja tuttuihin. Hyväksy epävarmuus ja yritä löytää niitä keinoja, joilla pitää oman mielensä rauhallisena. Älä jää yksin ja auta muita - pyydä ja tarjoa apua ja tukea matalalla kynnyksellä. Pitäkää yhteyttä sukulaisiin ja ystäviin
Kahden kulttuurin perheille erilaiset tavat pitää yhteyttä eri kaupungeissa ja maissa asuviin ystäviin ja sukulaisiin ovat jo tulleet tutuiksi. Näitä tapoja kannattaa aktivoida ja ylläpitää. Ja ehkä lapsille voisi järjestää virtuaalisia leikkitreffejä, nyt kun heidän sosiaaliset kontaktinsa väliaikaisesti vähenevät. Perheelläsi voi olla takatassussaan myös sellaisia yhteydenpitotapoja, joista hyötyisivät nekin perheet, joille etäyhteyksillä yhteyden pitäminen on vieraampaa. Jaa siis vinkkejäsi ja kokemuksiasi muillekin! Voit jakaa vinkkejäsi myös tämän jutun kommenteissa :) Hanna Kinnunen Hanna Kinnunen on työskentelee Familia ry:ssä suunnittelijana ja asiantuntijatehtävissä. |
blogi - blogAjatuksia ja kokemuksia elämästä kahden kulttuurin keskellä.
Reflections and experiences from the life of intercultural families. kategoriat
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Anyone who lives and works in the world of intercultural families and is interested in the topic is welcome to contribute. The threshold for writing should not be too high, and you can write either under your own name or under a pseudonym. Keep in mind that the views and opinions expressed in the blog are those of the authors and do not represent the position of Familia. The everyday life of intercultural families is interesting and writing about it can also open new perspectives for you! Your story matters and helps to raise awareness about the opportunities and challenges within intercultural families. Blog contributions can be submitted by e-mail (info@ familiary.fi) or via our contact form. Final selection and edition of the stories to be published will be conducted by our staff. Welcome to join us! |