​I am a mom. A mom in an intercultural family! A mom with a partner and 5 children + a big dog. A family where we speak 3 languages between us, but Not a single person of us can speak all the languages. That is my family, even though not all the children are biologically mine, but mentally they are mine and will always be. I also have a big dog now. It is funny how love has “given” me all these bonuses, because I never wanted many kids, and I am terrified of dogs. Anyway I am in love with my partner and I also got to a point where I appreciate my bonus dog. I see myself as the luckiest ever, to have all my kids. How I was brought up, it is normal to get none, one or two children. Not five!

​We most likely all agree that good communication is one of the key factors to any successful relationship. Communication with our partner happens daily, whether it is verbally or non-verbally. We are in constant interaction with other people, especially in our romantic relationships. Now what happens if our ways to think, feel and speak are very different from out partner’s? What if we use words and expressions differently? What if our views, values, practices that are familiar to us seem contrary to the ones our partner has? Differences easily lead to misunderstandings, frustration, disconnection and conflict. 

​Duo vanhempainvalmennusryhmiä on järjestetty vuodesta 2009 asti, ja jo lähes 600 vauvaa odottavaa kahden kulttuurin paria on osallistunut ryhmiin! Tämä tarkoittaa myös sitä, että valmennukseen osallistuneille pareille on syntynyt ainakin yhtä monta vauvaa, joista valtaosa on ehtinyt kasvamaan taaperoiksi, leikki-ikäisiksi, koululaisiksi ja teini-ikäisiksi. Mutta mitä me osallistujista tiedämme? Entä mitä osallistujat valmennukselta odottavat ja mitä he siltä saavat? Siitä kerron seuraavaksi, mutta aloitan jakamalla erään valmennukseen osallistuneen palautteen:

​Lähes kaikki Duo vanhempainvalmennukseen osallistuneet odottivat tapaamisten aikana ensimmäistä lastaan. Viimeisen kolmen vuoden aikana (2020-2022) 97 % osallistujista oli tulossa vanhemmaksi ensimmäistä kertaa.

Moi Kaikille! I am Azra from Malaysia, and this is my story. I was born in Malaysia in an intercultural family. My father was born in Malaysia to a family originating from India and my mother was a Malay with mixed parentage of Indian and Indonesian.  I grew up with intercultural dynamics within my family among the three major race groups in Malaysia (Malay, Chinese and Indian). I was well aware of the mixed culture we adopted as part of our family lifestyle. We would dress in Malay traditional clothes and watch and listen to Indian movies and songs, while enjoying sumptuous Chinese food for dinner. 
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My understanding and realization of culture, identity and relationships were enhanced further in my adulthood.  Prior to Finland, I had lived in Australia, Vietnam and Ukraine for work reasons and have met many intercultural families among friends and colleagues. I loved making friends with people from all over the world within my work circle, learning usually something new about their culture, heritage and traditions. 
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I visited Finland for the first time in 2014 during the summer and then again in 2018. I was captivated by the beautiful nature and the flexibility of the lifestyle in Finland. I travelled to Rovaniemi and even met with Joulupukki in his hometown. I remember I told Joulupukki what I wished for Christmas, “something special from Finland”.  Little did I know, I would meet a really special man from Finland after that.  

When I first moved here, I found some similarities between Finland and my home country of Canada. I felt some sense of familiarity with nature, which makes me feel like I could be in Canada, and the attitude of surviving winter - that all one needs is the proper clothing to get outside. In the summers, people in both Canada and Finland flock to a cabin near a lake, and in winter many people do winter activities like skiing or playing ice hockey. Canadians are stereotypically very polite, and Finns are stereotypically very reserved, but for some reason, the aggressive and physical game of ice hockey attracts players from both countries. 
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Usually, when I travel internationally, people have not heard of my hometown, it’s not a big city and not a tourist destination. However, when I moved to Finland, I realized that people had actually heard of my hometown of Winnipeg! One of Finland’s most famous hockey players, Teemu Selänne made his start in Winnipeg, and more recently, Patrik Laine was drafted to Winnipeg and played there for a few years.

I promised to write about long distance relationships and my own experiences living in one for the month of February – the month cradling Valentine’s Day in its grasp. Even though the topic was my own idea once I started to plan the actual post, I got nervous. You see, the initial reaction for many people when hearing the words “long distance relationship” is doubt. On top of that I am a pessimist at heart and instead of blog posts I mostly write fiction in the category of drama. How can I write a blog post which is honest to myself, not written like a drama or not as a list of insecurities? I don’t want to publish something like that, especially in February even if the Amor’s arrow has a long, long, long distance to go.

Let’s see how that goes.

In late 2019 me and my partner had been in our intercultural relationship for four months when he needed to leave Finland (we are the study abroad cliché). Four months are not much to get to know someone, yet we decided to try to continue our story in the long-distance format. The plan was for me to go to meet him twice during the next half a year, first to visit and next to stay since I got an internship position in his country.

Then, as you might guess, Covid happened.  

​Vihdoin valmista! Kirjoitin sosionomiopintojeni päätteeksi opinnäytetyön Familian Kuljen rinnallasi -hankkeeseen ja juuri valmistuneessa työssäni käsittelen kaksikulttuuristen pariskuntien tukemista oleskelulupaprosessin aikana.  

Tutkimukseni tavoitteena oli ymmärtää mitä psykososiaalisen tuen ja vertaistuen saaminen oleskelulupaprosessin aikana merkitsee kaksikulttuurisen parisuhteen henkiselle hyvinvoinnille. Opinnäytetyöni aineiston keräsin haastatteluiden muodossa muutamalta Kuljen rinnallasi -hankkeeseen osallistuneelta suomalaiselta puolisolta, joiden elämään oleskelulupaprosessi on vaikuttanut välillisesti. Haastattelujen myötä sain kasaan kattavan ja monipuolisen aineiston, jonka päädyin analysoimaan fenomenologisesti eli aineiston merkityssuhteita tarkastellen. Erityiskiitos vielä teille, joita sain tutkimukseeni haastatella!

Turusen romaani on teoksena kevyesti virtaava, mutta monitasoinen ja siitä voisi kirjoittaa lukemattomista eri näkökulmista käsin. Kaksikulttuurisiin parisuhteisiin liittyen kirja kuitenkin nostaa voimakkaimmin esille kysymyksen siitä, että miten olla yhdessä, jos kumpikaan ei halua luopua elämästään kotimaassaan tai asua toisen maassa? Voiko siten ylipäätään olla yhdessä—ja kuka siitä edes päättää? Tulisiko valita se järkevä vaihtoehto ja lopettaa suhde ja jatkuva ilmastoahdistusta aiheuttava lentäminen vai tulisiko valita järjettömyys, tässä tapauksessa rakkaus? Entä perheen perustaminen: tulisiko kuunnella polkkatukkaista terapeuttia lähellä Olympiastadionia, joka sanoo, että eihän lasta yksinkertaisesti vaan voi tuollaiseen tilanteeseen hankkia (ja jonka luo kertoja ei enää tämän jälkeen palaa) vai voisiko luottaa siihen, että jokainen perhe löytää kyllä omannäköisensä ratkaisut viimeistään sitten kun niiden tekeminen on ajankohtaista?

​Vaikka kirjan kantavana teemana on rakkaus, käsitellään aihetta kuitenkin hyvin käytännönläheisesti: rakkaudesta on riisuttu kokonaan pois romantiikka. Kirjassa rakkaus on arkisia käytännön tekoja, muistutuksia lakanoiden vaihdosta tai pelargonioiden kastelusta. Se on puhelu kerran viikossa, yleensä sunnuntaisin, matkalaukussa Barcelonasta tuliaisena tuotu viherkasvi, yhdessä ostettu imuri, jonka pölypussista löytyykin kotona roskia tai Suomesta Barcelonaan lennätetty hirvenfilee, josta perillä valmistetaan ruokaa, johon tulee manteleita ja Ñ​ora-paprikoita ja joka kuljetetaan kattilassa läpi kaupunginosan miehen perheelle tarjottavaksi. Kirja ei anna yksiselitteisiä vastauksia (ja hyvä niin), mutta kirjan lopussa kertoja saavuttaa jonkinlaisen päätöksen—joka on sekin ehkä jonkun mielestä järjetön, mutta kuitenkin ja ennen kaikkea päätös.

Maria Niemiharju

Komal, Noel and Celine are part of Love is not tourism -movement, that has been actively campaigning for partners and families that haven't been able to see each other this year. Global pandemia has caused travel restrictions especially from the third countries to European Union. These are the stories from the people that are desperately missing their partners and family members.

Me and my husband are both Indians but were residing in Finland since 5 years with A type residence permit.

We came to India for a short trip in February 2020 and got stuck here due to pandemic. My husband managed to return to Finland in May 2020 but me and my daughter’s residence permits expired so we could not return.

​We are desperately waiting for the embassy in India to reopen visa services so that we can reunite with my husband. Our daughter is desperately missing her dad and missing her school and education.

​My fiancé lives in Lebanon and it’s getting tough to get him a visa since the visa center in Beirut is closed. I found out that in Turkey they’re partially open but I’ve been calling them and they haven’t answered.

We are planning to see each other in Istanbul next month but not sure if we will be able to get there, if there will be flights. Now I’m trying to get him a visa to come to Finland in December. We were planning to meet many times during spring and summer but because of the restrictions, everything was always canceled.

​We were planning to get married in February 2021 but now I think that’s not gonna be possible.

I’m an Indian citizen. My husband and I have been separated since June 2020. He is new to Finland and has a A type resident permit. He is alone and finding it difficult mentally to manage alone. He also got severely sick and has no one to take care of him. I contacted the Finnish Embassy in New Delhi several times, more than 10 calls since June. Their response every time was that they can’t provide any type of visas or travel documents unless Finland lifts its travel/visa ban.

Once I called Chennai consulate. They said that our personal relationship doesn’t matter. They only do what the government decides. I told the embassy that my husband is sick in Finland with no one to take care of him, and they replied that’s “not their responsibility”. How cruel...

​Being separated too long affects us both physically and mentally. Please help. What’s the point of declaring family reasons as “essential travel” if they don’t give us visas to enable us to travel? Is it so much fun for the authorities to see the struggle of separated couples?