Many parents view bilingualism as an opportunity and decide to transmit more than one language to young children. In addition to the majority language of the country, children often learn a heritage language, a minority language, a language they may have acquired due to immigration, or an additional language not spoken as a native language by either parent (non-native bilingualism).

For my PhD study I investigated 14 Welsh or Finnish families who used more than two languages on a regular basis. Every single parent told me about the unexpected challenges of raising a multilingual child. Parenting can be hard—add a few extra languages with little support, and that can sometimes seem like an impossible task.

The foreign-born case study parents I interviewed for my research described the extra challenge of raising children with several languages as hard work, exhausting and swimming against the tide. Despite this, they wanted the children to speak multiple languages. I asked the parents to give me reasons why they continued the quest of multilingual upbringing. Why did they want to keep on swimming against the tide? Why raise a multilingual child?

​The parents in my investigation considered bilingualism as a positive thing and an advantage for their children. My case study parents, and parents in previous studies have mentioned different ideological motivations for raising a polyglot. I will list four of the most common reasons below.

Parents feel that by transmitting a heritage language, they also transmit a child their heritage; or a language is a part of the child’s heritage and identity. anguage goes hand in hand with roots and culture and therefore many view it as essential if you want the child to understand the culture of their heritage. Families believe in the importance of language skills to support the children’s multilingual and multicultural identities. Parents also feel a heritage language provides a sense of belonging, self-understanding, and self-assurance, and enables children access to culture and values of the heritage.

Many families want their children to know a heritage language so that they can speak with relatives. For example, some grandparents may not understand the child’s first language, so knowledge of a heritage language enables the children to communicate with them. Foreign-born or minority language speaking parents value children getting to know grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, or friends back home through a minority language.

The interpretation of scientific research on early bilingualism was mentioned as an important reason for transmitting more than one language. Some studies discuss a link between the mental exercise of using several languages and increased cognitive benefits, such as children's language skills (Engel de Abreu 2011), higher levels of cognitive empathy (Dewaele and Wei 2012) and delays regarding the onset of Alzheimer disease symptoms (Chertkow et al. 2010; Klein et al. 2016).

Language skills can be an advantage in the globalised world. Multilinguals may have widened future study or employment possibilities, and access to more opportunities thanks to knowing multiple languages. Parents often see early language acquisition as a useful investment in the children’s future.

Kaisa Pankakoski

Between 2017 and 2020, the Partner's path project focused on improving the well-being and employability of foreigners with a Finnish spouse. After the end of the project, Familia kept working on the employment theme, as it is so central to intercultural families' well-being in Finland. How do you look for a job in Finland when you know no one else except your Finnish partner? Why can't your partner support you more in your job-search? Who could guide you in writing your resume or your cover letter? Most of our activities focus on practical and peer support, but one of them aims at giving couples time and space to think about concrete and practical ways to support one another: our +Workshops. In the +Workshops, we explore different practical aspects of job-hunting, and give couples tips on how to support each other, both ways, and networking is one of the topics that we cover.

In one’s own home country, networks are built since childhood. Networks come from your family, your family’s friends, school, hobbies that you’ve had growing up, local community’s activities etc. In your home country you also have developed, on top of that social network, a professional network. Colleagues, partners, people working in your sector that you met at professional events. You have direct networks (people that you know personally) and indirect networks (friends of friends for example). In both these networks, you have developed different kinds of relationships, based on shared interests, and mutual help and support. You knew who could help you with something, and people would turn to you for other topics.
​
When moving to Finland, most people have to start all over again. Your partner and sometimes his friends and family become your only network. This can create a lot of stress and anxiety for both the foreign and the Finnish partner. Unwanted power dynamics in the couple, isolation and loss of self-esteem may develop, and hinder both the couple’s relationship and the job hunting and integration process.

Before talking more about the importance of networks in job hunting in Finland, it is important to understand the importance of networks for one’s well-being, mental and physical health. Isolation, depression and anxiety are extremely common among foreign partners. Making friends (of your own), feeling useful, heard and supported is extremely important. Peer support groups, hobbies and volunteering are three ways of making friends. Do not neglect the importance of friends and social life, as your mental health and well being are the foundation of a well-functioning job hunt.

Networks, especially in Finland, are the key to find a job. 7 to 8 jobs out of 10 (in Spring 2020) are not advertised, and most people find their jobs through their networks and personal contacts. Networking requires you to put yourself in contact with strangers and might feel a bot uncomfortable and scary. You can participate to fairs, go to events from your own industry and go to actual networking events. But other ways also exist to expand your professional networks:

• Let people know that you are looking for a job. When meeting a new person, regardless of their background or position, make sure to mention who you are, what you can do and what you are looking for. Contacts and opportunities often come from people you were not expecting. Mentioning that you are looking for a work opportunity is a constant part of your job-hunting process.
• Find a mentor. Many different programs exist nowadays in Finland, that pair a mentor and a mentee. A mentor is a person that has an already existing network and who is willing to introduce you to it. Mentors are a great way to build up trust with a professional. You can receive some precious insights, support and tips from someone working in your field, which can really work as an accelerator for your job-hunting process.
• Volunteering is a very efficient way to build up social and professional networks at once, develop your skills and showcase your abilities in a professional context.

​
In the + Workshops we explore how, together with your partner, you can develop your networks and increase your well-being and employability. You can read more about the + Workshop and our other employment related activities on our website.

The course includes voices from people who have experienced intercultural divorce themselves, which were collected through an anonymous survey this spring. Each theme contains resources and reflection exercise to support you through the process. 

The course also brings up topics of supporting children’s intercultural identity in divorce situations. For Eeva, the most challenging was narrowing down the topics to the essentials. “When I started thinking and researching and putting things on paper, it became a lot clearer what are the things that you need to think about when getting a divorce. It became easier to get past the emotions and support one’s children for example”, she shares. ​

This spring Familia is also piloting a new, online version of our divorce support group. On the 20th and 27th of May you can join Familia’s peer volunteers to share experiences and learn from others who have experienced intercultural divorce. Discussions will have a specific theme: on 20th May the theme is coping with divorce and on the 27th of May the theme is children’s well-being in divorce. You can find more information about the upcoming group on our Duo-groups website.​

The Duo Divorce Online Course is now freely available to use. You can find the course on our website.

Photo: Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash

How to improve and protect against a decline in relationship satisfaction

So to increase relationship satisfaction in couples and to help reduce relationship break down we need to foster skills such as (3);

• Conflict communication
• Marital interaction
• Spousal support
• Relationship maintenance
• Emotional regulation skills​

These skills are what can improve communication within the relationship to create greater chances of a more satisfying relationship for yourself, your partner, and your child’s development.
 
So how can you practically try to improve your multicultural relationship skills? Well here are a few ideas to start with;
 
Emotional regulation skills
Self-regulation is like a muscle and it needs to be exercised if you want to improve it. Meditation is a great way to do this and can increase your self-regulatory strength and has many other benefit. Below are a few links to free meditation websites with guides.

• The Mindfulness Solution: Everyday Practices for Everyday Problems
• Sitting Together: Essential Skills for Mindfulness-Based Psychotherapy
• Headspace App: Learn to meditate and live mindfully

 
Conflict communication skills
Sometimes one of the biggest problems to communication is when you have an elevated emotional response. As soon as one person in the discussion has raised their voice, it is likely that false judgements and assumptions have been made. When you next feel misunderstood in an argument, or if you are discussing a subject that you know you both argue about, try the following and hopefully it will improve your listening and empathising skills within your relationship.
 

1. The first person states what they want to say
2. The second person repeats their understanding of what the first person said
3. The first person then states if that is a clear representation of what they mean and they are satisfied that the person understands them, if they are not then you go back to step one, if it is then the next person starts at step one.

​
This process quickly dissipates any emotional arousal and creates improved communication, greater acceptance and less defensiveness and helps empathetic understanding of each other (8).
 
Relationship Maintenance skills
Relationships can take an incredible amount of work to maintain, and that work is heavily dependant on communication. Research has identified 5 positive behaviours, that are associated with an increase in relationship satisfaction, and 6 negative behaviours that you should try to reduce, that are related to a reduction in relationship satisfaction (9)
​
Positive Skills

1. Assurances, implicitly or explicitly reassuring the partner about the future of the relationship, expressions of love and commitment
2. Openness, direct discussions about one’s own feelings and about the relationship,
3. Positivity, making interactions cheerful and pleasant
4. Social networks is spending time with and gathering support from shared friends, relying on the support and love of family and friends
5. Shared tasks, performing tasks the partners jointly face and sharing equal responsibility within the relationship (10)

 
Negative skills

1. Jealousy induction, behaviours that create jealousy such as flirting with others to make your partner jealous.
2. Avoidance, avoiding being physically being around or to avoid talking about difficult subjects within your relationship
3. Spying on your partner
4. Infidelity and flirting with someone who is not your partner
5. Destructive conflict, thing such as starting arguments with your partner and trying to control your partner’s behaviour.
6. Allowing control, thing such as dropping responsibilities and enjoyed activities because of your partner (11)

 
Tips
Learn each other’s languages, this can create a greater understanding, empathy and improve deeper communication between you both by discovering hidden meanings of words in the others language. This leads to a deeper understanding of your partner. As a by-product this can also help you to understand your partner’s culture and help with the integration process if you have move to your partner’s country.

There many ways to improve relationships and you need to find one that works for you as individuals and as a family. Relationships and families can be hard work sometimes, and I think there is a need to recognise this and take a moment to think about it. Without work relationships might dwindle and fracture, but if you’re willing to create a cherished relationship they can be the most rewarding aspect of life. The loving relationship that surround you will reward you with happiness and life longevity.
 
(Timothy Hudd BA)
The author is a BACP registered Counsellor and psychotherapist in the UK, living and practicing in Helsinki, and married to a Finn himself.
 
​References

• 3. Romano D. Intercultural marriage: Promises and pitfalls. 2008.
• 8. Rogers CR, Roethlisberger FJ. Barriers and Gateways to Communication. 1991;
• 9. Doing the Work of Relationships: A Maintenance Approach | Psychology Today [Internet]. july 19th. 2014 [cited 2018 Jan 11]. Available from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/adventures-in-dating/201407/doing-the-work-relationships-maintenance-approach
• 10. Stafford L, Dainton M, Haas S. Measuring routine and strategic relational maintenance: Scale revision, sex versus gender roles, and the prediction of relational characteristics. Commun Monogr. 2000 Sep;67(3):306–23.
• 11. Dainton M, Gross J. The Use of Negative Behaviors to Maintain Relationships. Commun Res Reports. 2008 Aug 18;25(3):179–91.